a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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