just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
