I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
