Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
