fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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