somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
