Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
