The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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