forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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