I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
