I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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