need another drink. this is the easiest way
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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