i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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