i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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