my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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