Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
