I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
