At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
