I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Randomize
