Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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