it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize