matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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