Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize