How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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