i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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