grandma shit on top of the toilet
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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