My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Randomize
