Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
