there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
