i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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