Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
