I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
