how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
