It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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