Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
