U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
