respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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