you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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