we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
