Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
