wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
