genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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