A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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