one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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