i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
