Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize