So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
