Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Just invented taco cereal.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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