Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
