you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
It's blow job season.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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