I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
