I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
