I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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