you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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