I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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