dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
