we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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