its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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