Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
