dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
