Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
