the condom got lost in my hair
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
