I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
