I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
vagina is talking i cant
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
