i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Im part way to drunk.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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