i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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