meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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